Depression...Rejection...Grief...Happiness???
How are you? What is going on? You okay?
Depending on the time of the day or the minute I just survived the answer could be hopeful or hopeless. I keep it inside mostly, because for years I was afraid to let the truth out. The truth of what I was going through, the depth of the pain and hurt, the sheer exhaustiveness that was my life.
So I ask myself these questions: Where am I at? What am I going through? What have I survived? How do I move forward? Is it possible to heal?
I am grieving. I am in grief over the loss of what I thought my life would be and the loss of my grandfather.
To start you have to review the traditional stages of grief.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617
1. Denial and Isolation,
I am not in denial that my marriage is over, that I quit my job, or that my grandfather is gone. I am in denial that the lifelong image of what I pictured my life being. I saw myself as happy with two beautiful children being a champion for making your marriage work no matter what. The reality is that I am happy with two beautiful children who is a champion for making life work. I championed for my marriage. I fought and tried and prayed and hoped. I failed. It failed. Joe and I failed each other and our children.
I am sad that my grandfather won't see what becomes of me. How I rebound from nearly 15 years of a bad relationship into a great relationship. One where I am loved and respected. Where I am treated like a woman and queen. I told my grandfather the last time I saw him one on one that I knew that my marriage was wrong and dead because he and my grandmother showed me what love was. Real, true, pure love. Selfless love. Endless love. He looked at me and the tears filled his eyes and he said find that then. Love. Don't ever let anyone treat you less than how I treat your grandmother. I am in denial that he never will see that Jacob treats me the way he treated grandma.
I am in a funk and I isolate myself when I am in that funk. To this day I will not reach out to people to tell them how I really feel. I am of the school of thought that those who love me know what I am going through and they should reach out to me. This has lead to me losing faith in most people and knowing that I am there for them but truly they aren't there for me. I am isolated. I live in a town where I have very few friends and little family. I love it here and I don't want to move back to Lake County, It isn't anything personal it is just the place where hurt and pain and strife lives for me. I don't want to look back...I want so much to look forward. I give off the brave face and the picture of strength but I am weak, scared, and lonely...so very lonely.
2. Anger
My anger is with me and my anger is with God. I was a good girl. I got married, I had kids, I loved my husband completely. I was told that if I was a Proverbs 31 wife he would love me the way Jesus loved the church. I was lied to. Who lied to me? Did I lie to me or did God lie to me? I am not wrong for being angry with God. I am not wrong for being angry at me. But how do I forgive me? How do I forgive God? How do I believe that God's plan for marriage will ever be for me? I don't know. And right now I am in my Lodebar. (2 Samuel 9) I am unsure when I got there, how long I will stay, or really how to leave the safe darkness.
3. Bargaining
The only person I bargain with is me. Right now I don't trust me and I don't trust the bargaining. I don't sit here long. It comes quickly and passes just as fast.
4. Depression
I live in a state of depression like I live in a state of headache. It is always there. Most days I am strong enough to sigh, shrug, and keep going. Other days it is an overwhelming wave of sorrow, sadness, defeat, and pity. The blow to my confidence and who I thought I was is crushing. What helps, what keeps me going is that I know one day, one day it will get better. I will emerge a better person. A better mother, a better friend, a better wife, and a better Christian. I will never be the same.
5. Acceptance
I accept that my grandfather has died. I knew that he would die before me. I am sad that he is no longer here to enjoy life with his family. I have peace.
I accept that my marriage is over. I am forgiven for this. I have peace that God understands why I had to leave. I have no guilt and I know that it is what is best for me, Joe, and the kids.
I accept that my choices have lead me to where I am.
I accept that my life is different.
I am in a dark and twisty place. I am sad. I am depressed. I am lonely. I am healing. I need patience. I need unconditional love. I need to find my inner joy again.
My life has bright spots. I have two wonderful children that make my days worth living even if I had nothing else. Micah and Liberty are far stronger than I ever imagined and I am so blessed that I am their mother. I have a boyfriend, Jacob, who is teaching me that I am worth the effort and that I am loved. He has taken the shattered broken pieces and he is holding them together from 6 hours away. I am not exactly sure how he does it but he is my angel.
I have my faith. It isn't as strong as it once was but I know it is there. I hold on to that every single day. I will be who I once dreamed that I would be. A strong woman married to a man who loves God more than he loves me. I will have two beautiful children who will make a difference in the world. I will be happy. Really happy, not hiding behind a fake mask happy, but really happy.
One second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, on week at a time, one month at a time, one season at a time, one year at a time, one decade at a time, one life at a time. Just breathe in and out.
Depending on the time of the day or the minute I just survived the answer could be hopeful or hopeless. I keep it inside mostly, because for years I was afraid to let the truth out. The truth of what I was going through, the depth of the pain and hurt, the sheer exhaustiveness that was my life.
So I ask myself these questions: Where am I at? What am I going through? What have I survived? How do I move forward? Is it possible to heal?
I am grieving. I am in grief over the loss of what I thought my life would be and the loss of my grandfather.
To start you have to review the traditional stages of grief.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617
1. Denial and Isolation,
I am not in denial that my marriage is over, that I quit my job, or that my grandfather is gone. I am in denial that the lifelong image of what I pictured my life being. I saw myself as happy with two beautiful children being a champion for making your marriage work no matter what. The reality is that I am happy with two beautiful children who is a champion for making life work. I championed for my marriage. I fought and tried and prayed and hoped. I failed. It failed. Joe and I failed each other and our children.
I am sad that my grandfather won't see what becomes of me. How I rebound from nearly 15 years of a bad relationship into a great relationship. One where I am loved and respected. Where I am treated like a woman and queen. I told my grandfather the last time I saw him one on one that I knew that my marriage was wrong and dead because he and my grandmother showed me what love was. Real, true, pure love. Selfless love. Endless love. He looked at me and the tears filled his eyes and he said find that then. Love. Don't ever let anyone treat you less than how I treat your grandmother. I am in denial that he never will see that Jacob treats me the way he treated grandma.
I am in a funk and I isolate myself when I am in that funk. To this day I will not reach out to people to tell them how I really feel. I am of the school of thought that those who love me know what I am going through and they should reach out to me. This has lead to me losing faith in most people and knowing that I am there for them but truly they aren't there for me. I am isolated. I live in a town where I have very few friends and little family. I love it here and I don't want to move back to Lake County, It isn't anything personal it is just the place where hurt and pain and strife lives for me. I don't want to look back...I want so much to look forward. I give off the brave face and the picture of strength but I am weak, scared, and lonely...so very lonely.
2. Anger
My anger is with me and my anger is with God. I was a good girl. I got married, I had kids, I loved my husband completely. I was told that if I was a Proverbs 31 wife he would love me the way Jesus loved the church. I was lied to. Who lied to me? Did I lie to me or did God lie to me? I am not wrong for being angry with God. I am not wrong for being angry at me. But how do I forgive me? How do I forgive God? How do I believe that God's plan for marriage will ever be for me? I don't know. And right now I am in my Lodebar. (2 Samuel 9) I am unsure when I got there, how long I will stay, or really how to leave the safe darkness.
3. Bargaining
The only person I bargain with is me. Right now I don't trust me and I don't trust the bargaining. I don't sit here long. It comes quickly and passes just as fast.
4. Depression
I live in a state of depression like I live in a state of headache. It is always there. Most days I am strong enough to sigh, shrug, and keep going. Other days it is an overwhelming wave of sorrow, sadness, defeat, and pity. The blow to my confidence and who I thought I was is crushing. What helps, what keeps me going is that I know one day, one day it will get better. I will emerge a better person. A better mother, a better friend, a better wife, and a better Christian. I will never be the same.
5. Acceptance
I accept that my grandfather has died. I knew that he would die before me. I am sad that he is no longer here to enjoy life with his family. I have peace.
I accept that my marriage is over. I am forgiven for this. I have peace that God understands why I had to leave. I have no guilt and I know that it is what is best for me, Joe, and the kids.
I accept that my choices have lead me to where I am.
I accept that my life is different.
I am in a dark and twisty place. I am sad. I am depressed. I am lonely. I am healing. I need patience. I need unconditional love. I need to find my inner joy again.
My life has bright spots. I have two wonderful children that make my days worth living even if I had nothing else. Micah and Liberty are far stronger than I ever imagined and I am so blessed that I am their mother. I have a boyfriend, Jacob, who is teaching me that I am worth the effort and that I am loved. He has taken the shattered broken pieces and he is holding them together from 6 hours away. I am not exactly sure how he does it but he is my angel.
I have my faith. It isn't as strong as it once was but I know it is there. I hold on to that every single day. I will be who I once dreamed that I would be. A strong woman married to a man who loves God more than he loves me. I will have two beautiful children who will make a difference in the world. I will be happy. Really happy, not hiding behind a fake mask happy, but really happy.
One second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, on week at a time, one month at a time, one season at a time, one year at a time, one decade at a time, one life at a time. Just breathe in and out.
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