White as Snow...
I am not really sure where to begin this post. Do I start from years ago or from last night? I am not sure. So I will just sorta start. It's sorta like "Party Like It's 1999" I was dreaming when I wrote this so forgive me if it goes astray...
There is a new song "Say Something" on the radio. Say something I'm giving up on you...
This song is a few years too late for me. It sings the song of my heart from 2007 to 2010. I was fighting to save the love that I had for Joe. I could have screamed these lyrics in desperation. I spent this time in a church that was teaching me that I should never give up on my marriage. (I will come back to this point soon.) I was in a constant state of forgiving Joe for his sins against me. I wasn't searching for his confession I knew he was remorseful of the decisions that he was making. In May 2010, I now know, that my marriage to Joe emotionally was on life support. It stayed on life support for years. Joe continued to sin against me and I sinned against him. I also had an epiphany from God that I had done everything I could, but if two aren't willing to change, then one cannot save a marriage alone. I felt God's forgiveness already for the decision to get a divorce, if that was the path I decided to choose. I lived most of my marriage lonely. I felt so isolated.
Forgiveness...
Last night I went to bed feeling the most lonely I have ever felt before. I cried myself to sleep. Which if you know me that is out of character. I tweeted: Ever feel like you are sitting right on the edge of being happy but you can never reach it? No? Just me then. #tiredofthelonely. After about an hour in bed crying I decided to give up and attempt to sleep. My sweet daughter came in my room at some point and cuddled up next to me. It gave me a little bit of peace.
A few weeks ago a high school friend invited me to church. I have been searching for one in Tallahassee because as much as I love Brandon, his church isn't right for the current season of my life. I told her I would check it out but then I went to visit my mom one weekend. I attended The Leesburg Nazarene Church. Then the next Sunday I was in Alabama visiting Jacob and went to the Nazarene Church that Aunt Donna and Mallory attend. Last Sunday a migraine left me with no energy to pursue a church. So last night I sent Leslie a Facebook message and told her that I would be going to Four Oaks Church with her today. I knew that sending the message would create accountability for me to go.
Around 1:30 a.m., my son also climbed into bed with me. There I was in the uncomfortable spot between to hot bodied children trying to sleep. I thought to myself, "great I am going to be so tired for church in the morning." I tossed and turned. By toss and turned I mean a wiggled and shoved children to make room for a position change. However, I was so thankful for the physical reminders that my children are here and most importantly that they love me. There was comfort in my heart laying half asleep in bed all night with my children snuggled up close to me.
I got up an got dressed and headed out the door for church. It was great to see Leslie and I sat with her and her husband. The message was on Debt Relief. I thought great. I really don't want to hear about money...being without a job and only about $400 to my name right now I am a little stressed about it. Nevermind my debt.
I enjoyed the worship and I listened to the story segment about a young woman who had lost her way and needed the help of others to realize that forgiveness is there for all that seek it.
I have to interrupt here and add that for sometime I have felt unwelcomed in any church. First, I think because I knew my marriage was dying/dead and I know that divorce is frowned upon in the church. Second, (and I realized this a few weeks ago at mom's church) church is where the rawness of my grandfather's passing hits me like a ton of bricks. To quote my grandmother, "I am not angry at God, I am just angry" I am angry about a lot a religious things. I did life the way of God's word and I was let down. I am angry about that.
In 2007, I first experienced overwhelming forgiveness. There is a quote:
There is a new song "Say Something" on the radio. Say something I'm giving up on you...
This song is a few years too late for me. It sings the song of my heart from 2007 to 2010. I was fighting to save the love that I had for Joe. I could have screamed these lyrics in desperation. I spent this time in a church that was teaching me that I should never give up on my marriage. (I will come back to this point soon.) I was in a constant state of forgiving Joe for his sins against me. I wasn't searching for his confession I knew he was remorseful of the decisions that he was making. In May 2010, I now know, that my marriage to Joe emotionally was on life support. It stayed on life support for years. Joe continued to sin against me and I sinned against him. I also had an epiphany from God that I had done everything I could, but if two aren't willing to change, then one cannot save a marriage alone. I felt God's forgiveness already for the decision to get a divorce, if that was the path I decided to choose. I lived most of my marriage lonely. I felt so isolated.
Forgiveness...
Last night I went to bed feeling the most lonely I have ever felt before. I cried myself to sleep. Which if you know me that is out of character. I tweeted: Ever feel like you are sitting right on the edge of being happy but you can never reach it? No? Just me then. #tiredofthelonely. After about an hour in bed crying I decided to give up and attempt to sleep. My sweet daughter came in my room at some point and cuddled up next to me. It gave me a little bit of peace.
A few weeks ago a high school friend invited me to church. I have been searching for one in Tallahassee because as much as I love Brandon, his church isn't right for the current season of my life. I told her I would check it out but then I went to visit my mom one weekend. I attended The Leesburg Nazarene Church. Then the next Sunday I was in Alabama visiting Jacob and went to the Nazarene Church that Aunt Donna and Mallory attend. Last Sunday a migraine left me with no energy to pursue a church. So last night I sent Leslie a Facebook message and told her that I would be going to Four Oaks Church with her today. I knew that sending the message would create accountability for me to go.
Around 1:30 a.m., my son also climbed into bed with me. There I was in the uncomfortable spot between to hot bodied children trying to sleep. I thought to myself, "great I am going to be so tired for church in the morning." I tossed and turned. By toss and turned I mean a wiggled and shoved children to make room for a position change. However, I was so thankful for the physical reminders that my children are here and most importantly that they love me. There was comfort in my heart laying half asleep in bed all night with my children snuggled up close to me.
I got up an got dressed and headed out the door for church. It was great to see Leslie and I sat with her and her husband. The message was on Debt Relief. I thought great. I really don't want to hear about money...being without a job and only about $400 to my name right now I am a little stressed about it. Nevermind my debt.
I enjoyed the worship and I listened to the story segment about a young woman who had lost her way and needed the help of others to realize that forgiveness is there for all that seek it.
I have to interrupt here and add that for sometime I have felt unwelcomed in any church. First, I think because I knew my marriage was dying/dead and I know that divorce is frowned upon in the church. Second, (and I realized this a few weeks ago at mom's church) church is where the rawness of my grandfather's passing hits me like a ton of bricks. To quote my grandmother, "I am not angry at God, I am just angry" I am angry about a lot a religious things. I did life the way of God's word and I was let down. I am angry about that.
In 2007, I first experienced overwhelming forgiveness. There is a quote:
I realized that this exactly is what I had been doing to myself when it came to my father. I finally forgave him, without him asking or even ever expecting him to ask. It changed me. It allowed me to love Harold (my step-dad) more like a father and to allow him to treat me like a real daughter. Not someone that would be tossed aside by him like I had been before. Forgiveness like that changes you. It allows you to start forgiving everyone for everything. When you forgive the biggest wrong in your life you are able to act out what the forgiven is set to do. Forgiven sinners forgive sin. I used this to battle and strive to save my marriage.
Today the pastor's lesson was on Debt Relief; not financial debt but forgiveness. Mercy. I immediately thought of Joe and the death of my 14 year 8 month marriage. I have forgiven Joe long ago. I let it go and I wiped the slate clean each time he came to me. I tried to forget what happened on those long painful nights and for the most part I did a good job at that. It is hard to give you specifics of what happened and quite honestly it is in the past and it doesn't need to rehashed or put out there for the world to know. It is forgiven. But the pastor said, "True mercy doesn't enable abuse." It took all I could do to not break down in that moment.
True mercy (forgiveness) does not enable abuse. As those words filled my head I realized why church is the last place I wanted to be. I allowed my ability to forgive and have mercy to lead me into abuse. I am angry because I allowed myself to let my Christianity make me a willing victim of emotional abuse.
Did you hear me? I allowed my faith to make me a willing victim of emotional abuse. I allowed my forgiveness and mercy to reach past what I knew to be wrong to allow myself to be emotionally abused for years. I let a church convince me, that even though God would forgive me for getting a divorce, that divorce was a sin. I allowed myself to become cold-hearted, emotionally detached, and to become a person that no longer cared. What an idea! Even typing it out I feel it again. That rush of relief, that it's perfectly okay for me to finally forgive myself and show mercy on myself for leaving an emotionally abusive marriage.
When we forgive someone, we absorb the magnitude of the debt. We can choose to absorb it, or we can have it thrust upon us. God has been trying to tell me for a while now that I can forgive myself. I haven't been listening. Today, I listened. I am publicly asking myself for forgiveness and I am publicly accepting it. I have been absorbing the debt of my sins against myself in the form of loneliness and turning away from the church. I have sung the words of Christian songs without believing the messages. I have justified my own isolation away from my faith. The pastor asked who do we need to make an appointment with to ask forgiveness. Me. That is who and this blog it that confession and that reconciliation. That acceptance of forgiveness and that relief of finally being free of my sin.
I tweeted after church: Today is the first day since the death of what I thought my life would be that I've gone to church and felt life again.
I feel life again. Forgiven sinners forgive sin...even our own sin.
The last song of the service was Jesus Paid It All
I hear the Savior say, Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all.
Chorus:
'Cause Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
Lord, now indeed I find Thy pow'r and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots and melt the heart of stone.
'cause Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
my Sin had left this crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
It's washed away! all my sin,
and all my shame
And when before the throne I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save" my lips shall still repeat
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow
He washed it white as snow
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
well praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Jesus
Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all.
Chorus:
'Cause Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
Lord, now indeed I find Thy pow'r and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots and melt the heart of stone.
'cause Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
my Sin had left this crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.
It's washed away! all my sin,
and all my shame
And when before the throne I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died my soul to save" my lips shall still repeat
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow
He washed it white as snow
O Praise the one who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead
well praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead
Jesus
I have always loved this song but today as I sang it the tears filled my eyes because I now have a deeper connection to the words and I believe the words as truth.
I am forgiven of my sins and I forgive all who have sinned against me. I promise myself that I will reclaim my Christianity and a church. I will always forgive freely and show mercy but never again will I allow my mercy to enable abuse.
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