The Rants and Thoughts of VALadyNole

Today I move forward.  A little more forward than yesterday.  I think writing the blog last night was a good thing.  Small victories.  There are small victories in everyday.  Today it was helping another with her struggle.  Seeing that as bad as I think that things are for me, they can be a little more challenging for someone else in a similar situation.  I know that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I can do it.  

How are you? What is going on? You okay? Depending on the time of the day or the minute I just survived the answer could be hopeful or hopeless.  I keep it inside mostly, because for years I was afraid to let the truth out.  The truth of what I was going through, the depth of the pain and hurt, the sheer exhaustiveness that was my life. So I ask myself these questions: Where am I at? What am I going through? What have I survived? How do I move forward? Is it possible to heal? I am grieving.  I am in grief over the loss of what I thought my life would be and the loss of my grandfather. To start you have to review the traditional stages of grief. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617 1. Denial and Isolation, I am not in denial that my marriage is over, that I quit my job, or that my grandfather is gone.  I am in denial that the lifelong image of what I pictured my life being.  I saw myself as happy with two beautiful childre...

Well it has been quite  while since I blogged.  I feel like my entire life has fallen apart but that there are amazing strings that are holding it together.   I left Joe in May.  May 27, 2013, I told him that I wanted a divorce.  I finally decided that enough was enough and that the hope of love wasn't enough to keep my marriage together.  I couldn't stay for the kids because what would that be teaching them.   I started dating a man that I have cared from since my youth.  He is great and treats me wonderfully.  It is a new thing for me to be loved the way that he does. I have had the most honest conversations with him.  It is refreshing to be able to be 100% me.   My grandfather died on August 15, 2013.  It was so hard to breathe that day.  I knew the day was coming, I thought that I was ready.  I wasn't ready, are we ever ready.  His service was beautiful and my grandmother is moving forward day by day.  m...

On August 15, 2013, Joe Lee Morgan, my rock, my family's father, my grandfather passed away. My heart is far beyond sad, far beyond grief, it has a grandpa shaped hole in it. I cry out of selfish anger and hurt. I cry because I had the best grandpa in the world and its not fair he's gone at 77. I cry because my grandma lost her one, true, great love.  As a child when I would wander off (I did this a lot) in the mall or wherever, it was grandpa's job to follow far enough but close enough so that I never really got lost. He never stopped doing this, watching out for me always making sure I never wandered to far away. Now that he's gone, who is gonna do that?!  Everyday the hole in my heart feels bigger. Everyday I remember something else, another memory, and it hurts and heals and reminds me that reason that hole feels so BIG is because he loved me so BIG.  I know the words of comfort: He's in a better place. He isn't hurting anymore. He's in glory. I'll s...

My heart is sad. On Earth there has been one man who has been there for me since the moment I took my first breath. I hate that cancer is going to take him from me. I've been positive. And today was a heavy blow. I know it's not realistic to think that grandpa will always be here for me. Tonight I'm finally letting myself start to mourn. He's going to die. And the heart that is sad...it's going to break. I'm glad Jesus can hold the pieces together but it's gonna hurt like hell. The hot tears on my cheeks are selfish and grandpa wouldn't want me to shed them. But for tonight. I just want to feel sorry for myself and just be weak.

I would like to know why ESPN hates Florida State University athletic programs.  It just seems to me that no matter how great FSU is, it is always because the other team had a bad game.  It drives me crazy. More and more I despise watching or hearing ESPN.  The are biased and unfair.  It absolutely makes me crazy. GRRRRRR Okay rant over.  But as long as ESPN hates FSU I shall hate ESPN.  That is all.