The Rants and Thoughts of VALadyNole

Willow trees stand beautifully and silently in the sunshine of life. In the storms they bend, they sway, they take the beating sent to them. When the storm is over they stand again, beautifully and silently, in the sunshine. The emotional, mental, and verbal storms have lead this willow again to be stronger than planned through the destruction. The creator of the storm is different but the beating is the same. The willow will stand again in the sunshine, as silent and as beautiful as ever, it's just waiting for the storm to pass. 

I have so many thoughts in my head. I don't know where they are going or how they got there. It's so loud in there and yet it so very quiet. I feel like I'm losing my mind but then some things are so very clear.  I don't know what to think anymore. 

I am not really sure where to begin this post.  Do I start from years ago or from last night? I am not sure.  So I will just sorta start. It's sorta like "Party Like It's 1999"  I was dreaming when I wrote this so forgive me if it goes astray... There is a new song "Say Something" on the radio. Say something I'm giving up on you... This song is a few years too late for me.  It sings the song of my heart from 2007 to 2010.  I was fighting to save the love that I had for Joe.  I could have screamed these lyrics in desperation.  I spent this time in a church that was teaching me that I should never give up on my marriage.  (I will come back to this point soon.) I was in a constant state of forgiving Joe for his sins against me.  I wasn't searching for his confession I knew he was remorseful of the decisions that he was making.  In May 2010, I now know, that my marriage to Joe emotionally was on life support.  It stayed on life sup...

Today I move forward.  A little more forward than yesterday.  I think writing the blog last night was a good thing.  Small victories.  There are small victories in everyday.  Today it was helping another with her struggle.  Seeing that as bad as I think that things are for me, they can be a little more challenging for someone else in a similar situation.  I know that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I can do it.  

How are you? What is going on? You okay? Depending on the time of the day or the minute I just survived the answer could be hopeful or hopeless.  I keep it inside mostly, because for years I was afraid to let the truth out.  The truth of what I was going through, the depth of the pain and hurt, the sheer exhaustiveness that was my life. So I ask myself these questions: Where am I at? What am I going through? What have I survived? How do I move forward? Is it possible to heal? I am grieving.  I am in grief over the loss of what I thought my life would be and the loss of my grandfather. To start you have to review the traditional stages of grief. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617 1. Denial and Isolation, I am not in denial that my marriage is over, that I quit my job, or that my grandfather is gone.  I am in denial that the lifelong image of what I pictured my life being.  I saw myself as happy with two beautiful childre...

Well it has been quite  while since I blogged.  I feel like my entire life has fallen apart but that there are amazing strings that are holding it together.   I left Joe in May.  May 27, 2013, I told him that I wanted a divorce.  I finally decided that enough was enough and that the hope of love wasn't enough to keep my marriage together.  I couldn't stay for the kids because what would that be teaching them.   I started dating a man that I have cared from since my youth.  He is great and treats me wonderfully.  It is a new thing for me to be loved the way that he does. I have had the most honest conversations with him.  It is refreshing to be able to be 100% me.   My grandfather died on August 15, 2013.  It was so hard to breathe that day.  I knew the day was coming, I thought that I was ready.  I wasn't ready, are we ever ready.  His service was beautiful and my grandmother is moving forward day by day.  m...

On August 15, 2013, Joe Lee Morgan, my rock, my family's father, my grandfather passed away. My heart is far beyond sad, far beyond grief, it has a grandpa shaped hole in it. I cry out of selfish anger and hurt. I cry because I had the best grandpa in the world and its not fair he's gone at 77. I cry because my grandma lost her one, true, great love.  As a child when I would wander off (I did this a lot) in the mall or wherever, it was grandpa's job to follow far enough but close enough so that I never really got lost. He never stopped doing this, watching out for me always making sure I never wandered to far away. Now that he's gone, who is gonna do that?!  Everyday the hole in my heart feels bigger. Everyday I remember something else, another memory, and it hurts and heals and reminds me that reason that hole feels so BIG is because he loved me so BIG.  I know the words of comfort: He's in a better place. He isn't hurting anymore. He's in glory. I'll s...