The Rants and Thoughts of VALadyNole

 My very first memory that isn’t a learned memory is of my grandmother’s (Lucille) father.  I had to be less than 3 years old.  He, Frank Price, was a carpenter.  He made the most wonderful furniture.  My grandmother, mother, and many other family members still have the pieces that he made.  He had this workshop behind his house in Sanford.  My first memory takes place in that workshop.  The kids always wanted to be with him and explore that workshop.  I know that we weren’t really allowed to be in the workshop.  Once he did take my sister and I into the workshop.  There was a welcome mat of some kind right inside the door.  He told us to stand on that mat and not to move.   A few years ago we were talking about first memories and I mentioned this memory because for the longest time my first memory was of his funeral when I was three.  I remember being in the church and seeing him in the coffin and my Aunt Donna takin...

 Oy! My post “White as Snow” from 2014 was powerful and real and somehow…I lost it.  How is it that 8 years later I still sit here feeling a lot of what I felt then? Is it because I picked it up again? The debt of sin that I had forgiven myself for? Yep. I think that’s it.  I really want to try. My faith was such a large part of who I was for 30+ years of my life but somehow I can’t let that forgiveness stick. Anytime I feel myself getting closer to my faith I feel the guilt and the Devil start in on me again.  I have done this all my life with Larry and forgiving him and picking it back up again. Now I have just replaced the abandonment I had with his role in my life with the guilt of my divorce and choices I have made in my life. I know I’d make them again because I wouldn’t have Micah and Liberty without them. And those children are more than worth every ounce of guilt and pain I have endured.  As I am writing this I realize that in March of 2014 my life was ...

Oh how I wish I had a Clay Jensen.  I thought at one time in my life that I had found my Clay but that person ended up being just like everyone else.  I wonder if there really are people like Clay.  Are there people who love unconditionally, even when they hate you, how Clay loves Justin? Are there people in the world that would fight the injustices against you when you can't fight them for yourself, the way Clay fights for Hannah?  Are there people in the world that challenge you to fight for yourself when your terrified to do it, the way Clay challenged Jessica?  Are there people who with continue to encourage you when you've got nothing left, they way Clay encourages Zach, Tony, and the others?  Are there people who would stop you from causing harm, relate to you at your lowest, be so openly, emotionally raw, and try to save you, the way Clay stops Tyler?  I want to hope that there are but to be honest I just don't think that there are.  Or may...

Why is it so hard to find good food to eat?  Being on a diet and working a job where I am in my car most of the days, it is hard to eat healthy.  Even a hamburger without the bun is okay but honestly, that is no fun. I am learning and I am adjusting.  Today, for example,  I had a chicken philly with no bread and grilled veggies.  It wasn't bad and I am full. On a positive note: I am down 7 pounds!! Whatever I am doing it seems to be working.

I’m being honest. Not going to sugarcoat or edit. I’m getting big.  When I went to the doctor and 190 was on the scale I was like 🤮😳. How did I get here??? On July 2, 2018, I started this journey. 2 days in I’m meeting my eating goals, exercise goals, and my water intake goals. However, it’s only been two days. Today scares me and I’m a little on edge. How do I not enjoy cold Cokes and sweet treats? How do I avoid the coconut rum and pineapple juice? Do I let this be a cheat day? I have another family event on Saturday. Do I let that be the cheat day?? How do I make this work? I’m using a little pharmaceutical help just because my doctor is worried about a few things and wants to help me get that kickstart. Wish me luck. #dosomething

I love to write.  It is good to get the thoughts out.  I have always loved to write but my problem is I lack all direction in my writing.  I have tried many ways.  Writing for myself, writing on 30 day challenges, writing in a journal, making bullet journals, and still I have no direction.  Now, I am not saying that I am J. K Rowling but there is a story locked in my head that I haven’t been able to release.  I don’t know if the story is my story or if it is a fictional story...I just know that there is a story. All of the things that I have read say to just start writing.  Just put your thoughts out there.  Just write, write, write.  I am going to try to write more.  I guess I use the blog.  I have a new iPad and a Bluetooth keyboard so why not? Lakeside Lunch As she sat at the table she thought of her 5 senses and the way she had learned to manage her anxiety.  5...4...3...2...1... you are supposed to use your f...

What if...when we are offended or hurt by the behavior of someone else we confront that person about the behavior? What if we didn't base our opinions of a person, their family, their religion, their sex, their race, their community, their city, their state, their country, their whatever based on a behavior? What if instead of hating people we talked to people about the behavior we disliked and came to a resolution, a compromise, or an agreement to simply agree to disagree? What if instead of judging others we looked at ourselves and realized not everyone has to think like we do or act like we do to be a good person? What if we realized that we all have faults and sins? What if we loved for our differences the same way we love for our similarities? What if... John 13:34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." Matthew 7:1-5 7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you wi...

Willow trees stand beautifully and silently in the sunshine of life. In the storms they bend, they sway, they take the beating sent to them. When the storm is over they stand again, beautifully and silently, in the sunshine. The emotional, mental, and verbal storms have lead this willow again to be stronger than planned through the destruction. The creator of the storm is different but the beating is the same. The willow will stand again in the sunshine, as silent and as beautiful as ever, it's just waiting for the storm to pass. 

I have so many thoughts in my head. I don't know where they are going or how they got there. It's so loud in there and yet it so very quiet. I feel like I'm losing my mind but then some things are so very clear.  I don't know what to think anymore. 

I am not really sure where to begin this post.  Do I start from years ago or from last night? I am not sure.  So I will just sorta start. It's sorta like "Party Like It's 1999"  I was dreaming when I wrote this so forgive me if it goes astray... There is a new song "Say Something" on the radio. Say something I'm giving up on you... This song is a few years too late for me.  It sings the song of my heart from 2007 to 2010.  I was fighting to save the love that I had for Joe.  I could have screamed these lyrics in desperation.  I spent this time in a church that was teaching me that I should never give up on my marriage.  (I will come back to this point soon.) I was in a constant state of forgiving Joe for his sins against me.  I wasn't searching for his confession I knew he was remorseful of the decisions that he was making.  In May 2010, I now know, that my marriage to Joe emotionally was on life support.  It stayed on life sup...

Today I move forward.  A little more forward than yesterday.  I think writing the blog last night was a good thing.  Small victories.  There are small victories in everyday.  Today it was helping another with her struggle.  Seeing that as bad as I think that things are for me, they can be a little more challenging for someone else in a similar situation.  I know that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I can do it.  

How are you? What is going on? You okay? Depending on the time of the day or the minute I just survived the answer could be hopeful or hopeless.  I keep it inside mostly, because for years I was afraid to let the truth out.  The truth of what I was going through, the depth of the pain and hurt, the sheer exhaustiveness that was my life. So I ask myself these questions: Where am I at? What am I going through? What have I survived? How do I move forward? Is it possible to heal? I am grieving.  I am in grief over the loss of what I thought my life would be and the loss of my grandfather. To start you have to review the traditional stages of grief. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617 1. Denial and Isolation, I am not in denial that my marriage is over, that I quit my job, or that my grandfather is gone.  I am in denial that the lifelong image of what I pictured my life being.  I saw myself as happy with two beautiful childre...

Well it has been quite  while since I blogged.  I feel like my entire life has fallen apart but that there are amazing strings that are holding it together.   I left Joe in May.  May 27, 2013, I told him that I wanted a divorce.  I finally decided that enough was enough and that the hope of love wasn't enough to keep my marriage together.  I couldn't stay for the kids because what would that be teaching them.   I started dating a man that I have cared from since my youth.  He is great and treats me wonderfully.  It is a new thing for me to be loved the way that he does. I have had the most honest conversations with him.  It is refreshing to be able to be 100% me.   My grandfather died on August 15, 2013.  It was so hard to breathe that day.  I knew the day was coming, I thought that I was ready.  I wasn't ready, are we ever ready.  His service was beautiful and my grandmother is moving forward day by day.  m...

On August 15, 2013, Joe Lee Morgan, my rock, my family's father, my grandfather passed away. My heart is far beyond sad, far beyond grief, it has a grandpa shaped hole in it. I cry out of selfish anger and hurt. I cry because I had the best grandpa in the world and its not fair he's gone at 77. I cry because my grandma lost her one, true, great love.  As a child when I would wander off (I did this a lot) in the mall or wherever, it was grandpa's job to follow far enough but close enough so that I never really got lost. He never stopped doing this, watching out for me always making sure I never wandered to far away. Now that he's gone, who is gonna do that?!  Everyday the hole in my heart feels bigger. Everyday I remember something else, another memory, and it hurts and heals and reminds me that reason that hole feels so BIG is because he loved me so BIG.  I know the words of comfort: He's in a better place. He isn't hurting anymore. He's in glory. I'll s...

My heart is sad. On Earth there has been one man who has been there for me since the moment I took my first breath. I hate that cancer is going to take him from me. I've been positive. And today was a heavy blow. I know it's not realistic to think that grandpa will always be here for me. Tonight I'm finally letting myself start to mourn. He's going to die. And the heart that is sad...it's going to break. I'm glad Jesus can hold the pieces together but it's gonna hurt like hell. The hot tears on my cheeks are selfish and grandpa wouldn't want me to shed them. But for tonight. I just want to feel sorry for myself and just be weak.

I would like to know why ESPN hates Florida State University athletic programs.  It just seems to me that no matter how great FSU is, it is always because the other team had a bad game.  It drives me crazy. More and more I despise watching or hearing ESPN.  The are biased and unfair.  It absolutely makes me crazy. GRRRRRR Okay rant over.  But as long as ESPN hates FSU I shall hate ESPN.  That is all.

So I started out bored on 01-20-2012, thinking I do want a tattoo I should draw one. So this is what I drew. I texted Valerie and this is how that conversation went... Me: Val what are you doing tomorrow? Val: Nothing why? Me: I am thinking about doing this and sent her the above picture. Val: Hold on. Me: Okay. Val: You have an appointment tomorrow at 11:15 am. And the whirlwind of getting a tattoo started.  Where to put it?  Will I do it? It was quite exciting.  And of course my twitter family blew it up...love that.  The hubs was excited and said he couldn't wait to see it.  And of course wanted to make sure that I was sure it was what I wanted.  (What a sweet guy.) So the morning seemed to drag and after working for a bit I was on my way with Valerie to get my first ink.  I love my sister... So here is the process... Picking the right spot... Getting started... Doing the outline... Outline done... Then the garnet... And then the gold....

I totally love this site.  So here is the link to my pinterest page. http://pinterest.com/VALadyNole/ Oh yeah and I got a tattoo... And posting a picture I can pin to my Blogs I Follow board.  :-)

But I am back!!!