The Rants and Thoughts of VALadyNole

I am not really sure where to begin this post.  Do I start from years ago or from last night? I am not sure.  So I will just sorta start. It's sorta like "Party Like It's 1999"  I was dreaming when I wrote this so forgive me if it goes astray... There is a new song "Say Something" on the radio. Say something I'm giving up on you... This song is a few years too late for me.  It sings the song of my heart from 2007 to 2010.  I was fighting to save the love that I had for Joe.  I could have screamed these lyrics in desperation.  I spent this time in a church that was teaching me that I should never give up on my marriage.  (I will come back to this point soon.) I was in a constant state of forgiving Joe for his sins against me.  I wasn't searching for his confession I knew he was remorseful of the decisions that he was making.  In May 2010, I now know, that my marriage to Joe emotionally was on life support.  It stayed on life support for years.  J

Today I move forward.  A little more forward than yesterday.  I think writing the blog last night was a good thing.  Small victories.  There are small victories in everyday.  Today it was helping another with her struggle.  Seeing that as bad as I think that things are for me, they can be a little more challenging for someone else in a similar situation.  I know that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I can do it.  

How are you? What is going on? You okay? Depending on the time of the day or the minute I just survived the answer could be hopeful or hopeless.  I keep it inside mostly, because for years I was afraid to let the truth out.  The truth of what I was going through, the depth of the pain and hurt, the sheer exhaustiveness that was my life. So I ask myself these questions: Where am I at? What am I going through? What have I survived? How do I move forward? Is it possible to heal? I am grieving.  I am in grief over the loss of what I thought my life would be and the loss of my grandfather. To start you have to review the traditional stages of grief. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617 1. Denial and Isolation, I am not in denial that my marriage is over, that I quit my job, or that my grandfather is gone.  I am in denial that the lifelong image of what I pictured my life being.  I saw myself as happy with two beautiful children being a champion for m

Well it has been quite  while since I blogged.  I feel like my entire life has fallen apart but that there are amazing strings that are holding it together.   I left Joe in May.  May 27, 2013, I told him that I wanted a divorce.  I finally decided that enough was enough and that the hope of love wasn't enough to keep my marriage together.  I couldn't stay for the kids because what would that be teaching them.   I started dating a man that I have cared from since my youth.  He is great and treats me wonderfully.  It is a new thing for me to be loved the way that he does. I have had the most honest conversations with him.  It is refreshing to be able to be 100% me.   My grandfather died on August 15, 2013.  It was so hard to breathe that day.  I knew the day was coming, I thought that I was ready.  I wasn't ready, are we ever ready.  His service was beautiful and my grandmother is moving forward day by day.  minute by minute I am sure.  She is strong and she is determined.