White as Snow…Again!?

 Oy! My post “White as Snow” from 2014 was powerful and real and somehow…I lost it. 

How is it that 8 years later I still sit here feeling a lot of what I felt then? Is it because I picked it up again? The debt of sin that I had forgiven myself for? Yep. I think that’s it. 

I really want to try. My faith was such a large part of who I was for 30+ years of my life but somehow I can’t let that forgiveness stick. Anytime I feel myself getting closer to my faith I feel the guilt and the Devil start in on me again. 

I have done this all my life with Larry and forgiving him and picking it back up again. Now I have just replaced the abandonment I had with his role in my life with the guilt of my divorce and choices I have made in my life. I know I’d make them again because I wouldn’t have Micah and Liberty without them. And those children are more than worth every ounce of guilt and pain I have endured. 

As I am writing this I realize that in March of 2014 my life was in total chaos. Just a few months later in July I moved back to Leesburg, started a new job, broke it off with Jacob, met Mike, and lost the pregnancy all before 2015. Then on April 4, 2015…Harold died. 

*deep breath*

So much of the Christian faith is wrapped up in the Father. I has such a short amount of time living in the forgiveness I got back on Father’s Day 2007. The relief I felt when I posted that blog was so similar to that relief I felt in 2007. I think Harold being taken from me brought the weight of my guilt and sin back but grief does that. Doesn’t it? Also my chaos in the last part of 2014 and the loss attached to the unknown life…

Forgiven sinners forgive sin. I need to tell myself that a lot more. Put down my guilt and sin and stop, for the love of faith and sanity, picking it back up. I can do that. I don’t know if I can do church, at least not until I don’t feel like a sinner all the time. I can’t get married again until I know that my mere existence is going to hurt Mike. Hurt people hurt people. So somewhere between forgiveness and healing I will find out who I am again in my faith and in my existence. 

I want to feel proud of who I am again. Be the person Harold was proud of again. Then maybe God can be proud of me again too. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Tattoo Adventure

Image
So I started out bored on 01-20-2012, thinking I do want a tattoo I should draw one. So this is what I drew. I texted Valerie and this is how that conversation went... Me: Val what are you doing tomorrow? Val: Nothing why? Me: I am thinking about doing this and sent her the above picture. Val: Hold on. Me: Okay. Val: You have an appointment tomorrow at 11:15 am. And the whirlwind of getting a tattoo started.  Where to put it?  Will I do it? It was quite exciting.  And of course my twitter family blew it up...love that.  The hubs was excited and said he couldn't wait to see it.  And of course wanted to make sure that I was sure it was what I wanted.  (What a sweet guy.) So the morning seemed to drag and after working for a bit I was on my way with Valerie to get my first ink.  I love my sister... So here is the process... Picking the right spot... Getting started... Doing the outline... Outline done... Then the garnet... And then the gold... All DONE!!  Whew I surviv
Read more

White as Snow...

Image
I am not really sure where to begin this post.  Do I start from years ago or from last night? I am not sure.  So I will just sorta start. It's sorta like "Party Like It's 1999"  I was dreaming when I wrote this so forgive me if it goes astray... There is a new song "Say Something" on the radio. Say something I'm giving up on you... This song is a few years too late for me.  It sings the song of my heart from 2007 to 2010.  I was fighting to save the love that I had for Joe.  I could have screamed these lyrics in desperation.  I spent this time in a church that was teaching me that I should never give up on my marriage.  (I will come back to this point soon.) I was in a constant state of forgiving Joe for his sins against me.  I wasn't searching for his confession I knew he was remorseful of the decisions that he was making.  In May 2010, I now know, that my marriage to Joe emotionally was on life support.  It stayed on life support for years.  J
Read more

Still Healing

Today I sat down to have lunch with fellow professionals. 5 women and 1 man. We all work in the child protective services. We were enjoying ourselves talking and getting to know each other a little better. One of these professionals says that she was born in New York. The one man at the table asks her exactly where and she said Manhattan. He tells her that he is from Brooklyn. Once this is said we all know what the next question is going to be...here are their stories. The guy from Brooklyn said he was at work and was sent home after the second tower was struck. He said the entire ride home the thing that stuck out to him the most was the deafening silence. In a city where it is never quiet he couldn't hear a bus, the subway, sirens, or voices. He said that as he drove people waved at him. "In NY if you look at someone too long it starts a fight and now people are waving at me." When he got home he went to the roof of his building where he watched the twin towers crumble
Read more